


till you show me what this life is for

by the__magpie



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Depressed Victor Nikiforov, Depression, Internet Famous, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multimedia, Mutual Pining, Online Friendship, Secret Identity, Two Person Love Triangle, Underage Drinking, Victuri Bang 2017, VicturiBang17, Vlogger AU, YouTube, Youtuber AU, Yuuri has anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-25 08:33:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12527288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the__magpie/pseuds/the__magpie
Summary: With thousands of subscribers and expectations piling on, Youtuber Victor Nikiforov is starting to lose his joy for the hobby that he once loved. At least, until he strikes up a friendship with a fellow vlogger who calls himself Katsudon, who never shows his face in his videos, and who might be exactly what Victor needs to face the truth he's been trying to avoid.





	1. we are all living the same way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to my Victuri Bang fic!
> 
> I've loved writing this fic and I'm so excited for you all to read it. A huge thank you to the mods of @victuri-big-bang for organizing this, and of course to my amazingly talented artist @spot-of-paint! 
> 
>  
> 
> Art masterpost is here.
> 
>  
> 
> Title and chapter names are from Round and Round by Imagine Dragons.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!!

 

 

**THE SCHOOL YEAR BEGINS!!!** **ヽ** **(‘** **∇** **‘ )** **ノ** **\+ MY FAVE YOUTUBERS**

v-nikiforov [SUBSCRIBE]

_Sept 2_

 

“ _Привет, it’s Victor here! School is starting back up this week so I’m back in America after a wonderful summer in Saint Petersburg. It’s good to be back, but I do miss it already – especially Makkachin. Hi Makka! I hope Yakov is taking good care of you. I know everyone loves when Makka is in my videos, but you’ll have to say goodbye to him for the next few months._

_“But I’m excited to start my last year of university! I can’t believe I’m already a senior. These last few years have just flown by. I just rewatched my video from my first week in America, and I was soooo tiny! My hair was so long! I’m glad so many of you have forgiven me for that awkward phase. It’s really embarrassing – don’t watch it. [laugh]_

_“This year I’m living in an apartment with a couple of my friends who you’ve seen in my videos before: Chris, Mila, and Georgi. It’s a really tiny place, but it was cheap! I want to do an apartment tour soon, but we’re all still moving in and the place is a mess. Right now my background is just cardboard boxes. I have so much to unpack._

_“Some of you have been asking about which Youtubers I watch, so I want to answer that quickly. To be honest, I don’t watch many others. I’m a college student, I don’t have time for that! [laugh] I mostly watch my friends’ videos, so I’ll recommend a couple of those. You all know Chris, who’s on Youtube as SwissChris. Hi Chris! And remember Yuri, that angry little high schooler who always yells at us at the rink? His channel is called IceTiger. Mila also has her own channel, at BabiMila, but she doesn’t make many videos. Who else, who else? Oh, you have to check out phichit+chu’s videos! I don’t know him personally but he goes to my university and his channel is amazing and really funny. Check out his makeup tutorials!_

_“I found this other channel last week . . . it doesn’t have the kind of videos that I usually watch but I really like them anyways. The channel is called Katsudon. This guy also goes to my university but I don’t know who he is because he never shows his face in his videos. But I’ve watched them all and they’re incredible so go watch them too! We’re subscribed to each other, so if you see this, Katsudon, I’m a fan!_

_“I’ll put links to everyone that I’ve mentioned in the description, so subscribe to them all and tell them I sent you! The start of the year is always busy, but I’ll try to have a new video out for you within a couple of days. For now, I’ll be signing off. Don’t forget to comment and subscribe and I’ll see you again soon! До скорого!_

**_53 comments_ **

**sandraatwood-blog** – 30 seconds ago

_Vityaaaa I love your new haircut! give Makka a kiss from me when you see him_

 

**aeonthedimensionalgirl** – 1 minute ago

_alsdjfkdjf please go watch his old video from the start of university he’s SO PRECIOUS AND TINY I want to give him the biggest hug_

 

**comical-droid** – 1 minute ago

_good luck this semester! I love you!_

 

**lentiltransportation** – 2 minutes ago

_omg how does he always look so perfect. Victor, if you see this, will you marry me??_ _≧◡≦_

 

**SwissChris** – 4 minutes ago

_thanks for the promo mon amour ;)_

 

* * *

****

Victor lay on his back in bed, holding his phone above his head and scrolling through the comments as they flooded in. Nearly all of them fell into one of three categories: complimenting how he looked, wishing him a good semester, or incoherent fangirling babble, with a few fitting into two categories and the rare handful that were a combination of all three. He could usually tell within the first word which it was going to be. In the hour since he posted the video, the video had gained several hundred views; by the end of the day it would have several thousand, with more comments than he could hope to read.

His eyes skimmed idly over a few comments. Perhaps he should reply to some, engage with his viewers on a personal level like he had done in the early days of his channel. He should probably at least respond to Chris. His fingers hovered over the keyboard, but he couldn’t think of what to say. Filming, editing, and posting the video had taken a lot out of him – he didn’t seem to have as much energy for this as he used to. Besides, with his over 50k subscribers scrutinizing his every move online, he doubted it would be a good idea to do more absolutely necessary. What if some of his viewers were hurt that he had replied to Chris and not them?

Abandoning his response, Victor clicked through the links he had attacked in the description of his video. Chris’ banner, a close-up photo of his face, winked down at him. Yuri’s channel sported a heavily filtered photo on the ice with his arms raised in an ending pose. He would no doubt snap something biting at Victor for involving him in his stupid videos again, though of course he would be secretly pleased by the uptick in subscribers that he saw every time Victor included him. Mila’s channel was simple, with the default banner and only four videos uploaded in the year and a half that she’d had it. The last one was from three months ago. Victor wasn’t sure why she kept the channel; he suspected she didn’t want to feel left out from the rest of her rinkmates. Phichit’s channel featured a blurry selfie of him at the beach. Victor had never spoken to him, though he saw him sometimes around campus, always smiling and surrounded by friends.

Finally, Victor clicked on Katsudon’s channel. It had already gained twenty subscribers since the last time he checked, probably from Victor’s promo, though the number was still under 2k. His banner, a simple picture of cherry blossoms, was shot through a window that Victor recognized from the videos as his home in Japan.

A week ago, one of Katsudon’s videos popped up as recommended and Victor clicked on it because the thumbnail had a poodle on it. Since then, he had torn through all thirty-something videos posted in the last two years. They were like nothing he had ever seen before. All the videos were shot with a handheld, cell phone camera, always pointed away from Katsudon’s face, showing views out windows, of tree branches or cherry blossoms waving in the breeze, or flowers poking through cracks in sidewalks, or ants marching in a line, or seagulls swooping across a grey sky.

And behind it all, his voice in the background like a murmur in Victor’s ear – quiet and slow and soothing. Sometimes in English, sometimes in Japanese. Victor watched even when he couldn’t understand a single word. The sound of it was enough to get lost inside. He spoke of the shine of the setting sun off the bell tower or the rush of the ocean that he missed when he was at university in America. Sometimes, he recited poetry. From the first video, Victor wasn’t able to look away.

Scrolling through Katsudon’s feed, Victor ran over everything about Katsudon that he had gleaned from the few personal details he included in his videos. Katsudon was Japanese, which would have been obvious from his accent and some of the shots in his videos even if he hadn’t said it outright. His username came from a Japanese dish (this one Victor had had look up). It showed up in his videos sometimes and looked delicious.

He knew that Katsudon went to his university because some of the videos featured buildings and spots that Victor recognized. Of course, at a university of almost forty-thousand, with hundreds of international students, Victor couldn’t begin to guess Katsudon’s identity.

Katsudon was a sophomore, two years younger than Victor, which he had figured out since his channel started two years ago when he first came to America. Like Victor, Katsudon ice-skated, though he only posted videos about it when he was in Japan over breaks. Those videos, when Katsudon held the camera in his hand through jumps and spins, were some of Victor’s favorites. He was sure he had never seen anyone besides his friends filming at his rink at the university, but he would keep a close eye out from now on, just in case.

In one video, Katsudon’s camera passed by a window and a part of his profile was reflected in the glass for the barest of moments. Victor had paused on that frame, poring over the grainy pixels. All he could see was black hair, the curve of a forehead, the tip of an ear, and something glinting beside the ear. Glasses? Or simply a glare off the window? It told Victor barely anything except to remind him that Katsudon was a real, physical person. He was desperate to learn more.

Katsudon was also subscribed to Victor’s channel, so maybe he would see this video and know that Victor watched his. That is, if he hadn’t already figured it out from the emoji-filled comments Victor left on many of them. But now, maybe he would reply. They could start talking, one thing could lead to another, and then maybe they could meet in real life . . .

Victor shook his head before his imagination could run off with that thought. If Katsudon didn’t show his face in his videos, he obviously didn’t want nosy people like Victor butting into his personal life.

Refreshing Katsudon’s page, Victor counted eight new subscribers in the last few minutes. He was about to toss his phone aside when he noticed that a new video had appeared, uploaded only seconds ago, with the title “my truth.” Rolling onto his stomach and turning the volume up on his phone, Victor tapped the thumbnail.

The video started with a shaky shot out the window of an airplane, with shards of sunlight glinting off scratches in the glass and turning the fluffy clouds outside to gold. For a few seconds, silence. Then Katsudon’s voice in its usual murmur:

_“I’ve never said any of this out loud before. Even my family and closest friends only know parts of it.”_

A slow, shaky exhale whooshed against the microphone.

_“I live my life with a wave hanging over me. Nobody else can see it except me. Sometimes I can pretend that it’s not there, but it’s always hovering above me, waiting. Sooner or later, no matter how good I am at pretending, it will always crash down on me and I’ll be drowning again. From the outside, maybe you can’t tell that I’m fighting battles in my head every day and losing far more than I win._

_“I tell myself I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay, wishing it were true, knowing that it isn’t. I think maybe I can trick myself into believing this lie. Even with this wave hanging over me, threatening me. I start to think too much and my mind becomes a whirlpool and I can’t pull myself out and I spiral deeper and deeper . . .”_

_“It’s not beautiful or tragic – it’s terrifying. It’s fear that grows out of control and swallows me up and crushes me. It fills me up until I can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t function. Terrified of letting people see my weakness, I hide away and hold myself back. I freeze in place. I break down._

The shot switches to a poodle sleeping in a patch of sunlight, its side rising and falling rhythmically. Katsudon’s dog, who looked like a miniature version of Victor’s Makkachin, was one of Victor’s favorite guest appearances in his videos.

_“I grew up in a loving family with two parents who cared for me, a doting older sister, and a whole town to support me. I’ve never lacked people in my life to look out for me, so I spent a long time beating myself down for feeling this way. If my life was so good, why was I always looking over my shoulder and waiting for the next wave to drop? Why did I let it dictate whatever I did? Why couldn’t I be normal like the other kids I grew up with?_

_“Moving to America for university was the scariest thing I ever did. I wasn’t fluent in the language, I knew no one, and I was sure I would do something wrong and ruin everything. But after spending years worrying about what could go wrong, I knew that if I didn’t get out of my home town now, I never would. I didn’t want this weakness to stop me from living my life._

_“The first months here were the worst. I started this channel to try to find the beautiful things in life and convince myself that the world wasn’t as scary as I thought it was, but for a long time it felt forced. I was alone and scared and I was so sure that I would never find my place here . . .”_

Katsudon’s voice trailed off and the shot changed to an oak tree, its branches waving lazily in the wind.

_“I’ve learned a lot since then. I made some friends and began to feel more at home here, but the feeling never completely goes away. I still live with this wave over me. This is what living with anxiety feels like. It’s something I deal with every day. I can’t wish it away or make it disappear, no matter how strong I become. It’s a part of me. All I can do is learn to live with it and try not to let it hold me back or govern my life. It’s always going to be a struggle. I’ll never fully beat it. But if I try, I think I can overcome it and become the person I want to be. I believe it. I won’t let fear rule me.”_

The screen went black for a moment, then switched to recommended videos, but Victor didn’t move.

He had never heard anything like that before. Nobody ever _talked_ about anything like that.

On all the Youtube channels that he followed, all the blogs and instagrams and twitters, everyone pretended their lives were perfect. Sure, they might make jokes or post vague, middle of the night ramblings, but nobody actually spoke honestly about these things. They hid their ugly sides. Even when everything was wrong, they pasted on a smile and pretended. It was what they _did_. And Victor did the same.

When the emptiness in his chest spread through him, turning his entire body numb, he set up his tripod and his lights and switched on the camera. When nothing in the world made sense, when he could barely force himself to get out of bed, he smiled wider and chattered about something inane, hoping that the feeling would go away. Maybe it did, but it was always back before long. Still, he would never admit to any of those things on camera, to edit into a video, to upload to his thousands of subscribers.

It was the bravest thing he had ever seen.

He pressed the replay button and watched it through again, barely breathing. Katsudon’s soft voice enveloped him like an embrace. Then a third time, his mouth dry, his eyes wet.

Victor couldn’t remember being this honest about how he felt in his entire life. How could Katsudon say those things out loud, even to admit them to himself? Victor didn’t understand it. He wanted to understand.

In the hundreds of videos on his channel, he had revealed more about himself than Katsudon ever did. He talked about himself constantly and probably exposed more of his personal life than most people would feel comfortable with. Yet next to this, it felt insignificant. Those personal details were shallow nothings; a front that he put on for the camera. Katsudon, for all his secretiveness and unwillingness to show his face, had been more honest in a single video than Victor had in his life.

All he was to his viewers was a dazzling smile and a few minutes of prattle about whatever was going on in his life. Avoiding anything hard, turning himself into the person he thought his viewers wanted to see . . . always hiding. Always holding back.

How could Katsudon do it so easily?

Tossing aside his phone, Victor pulled his laptop toward him and, with flying fingers, pulled up Katsudon’s tumblr page. He started a message – _Hi, this is Victor Nikiforov! I really liked your new video . . ._ – then backspaced immediately. An understatement, to say the least. _Hi, this is v-nikiforov on youtube. I watched your new video and it really impressed me_ — No, that wouldn’t do, either. Victor chewed his lip, fingers hovering over the keys.

Twenty minutes and countless attempts later, he finally read over what he had decided on:

_Hi Katsudon. My name is Victor – I’m v-nikiforov on youtube (we’re subscribed to each other). I just watched your latest video, “my truth,” three times in a row and I can’t stop thinking about it. I haven’t experienced the things that you describe in your video personally, but if I had I don’t think I would have the courage to share it online. You’re much braver than I am. Thank you for this video – and all of the ones you make. I’m a big fan!_

He hit send before he could second-guess himself.

 

* * *

 

 

For the rest of the day, Victor checked his messages obsessively. Every time he refreshed and found no reply from Katsudon, his heart fell a little. But maybe Katsudon just hadn’t checked his tumblr today . . .

At the rink that evening, he skated back to his phone every few minutes to check tumblr. Still nothing. He reread his message for the dozenth time. Had he said the wrong thing and inadvertently offended Katsudon? He had spent so long trying to make it come across as casual yet earnest, but maybe it had verged into the territory of pushy or overeager.

“You’ve barely looked away from your phone all night,” Chris said, joining him at the barrier. “You look bothered. Are you fighting with someone? Is it JJ? Can I watch?”

“What? No.” Victor closed his hone and set it aside. “Who’s JJ?”

“That annoying Canadian kid . . . seriously, you don’t remember him at all?”

Victor shook his head. “Do you want to show me that triple axel again?”

He tried to push thoughts of Katsudon away for the rest of practice, but on his way home when he checked his phone again, there was still no message.

What was taking so long? Did Katsudon never check his tumblr? Victor always checked his after uploading a new video to respond to the new messages that flooded in. Then again, Katsudon didn’t have nearly as many viewers are he did; maybe he wasn’t used to getting any messages at all.

He went to bed with Katsudon’s words echoing through his head. _I live my life with a wave hanging over me . . ._

First thing in the morning, he checked again. No message from Katsudon. Dropping his head back onto his pillow, Victor tried to accept that Katsudon would never respond.

He purposefully tried not to think about it for the rest of the morning as he got dressed and ate and went to class. Yet sometimes Katsudon’s words floated through his head ( _“From the outside, maybe you can’t tell that I’m fighting battles in my head every day and losing far more than I win . . .”_ ) and he couldn’t bring himself to shake them away.

During lunch, he checked his tumblr, mostly out of habit, not daring to get his hopes up again. A few new messages popped up, including . . .

Victor’s breath caught in his throat. Katsudon had replied.

Ignoring whatever story Mila was telling that was making Georgi snort with laughter, Victor opened the message. It was short and simple:

_Hi Victor. Wow. I’m kind of in awe that you watch my videos, let alone that you like them. I’m not sure if what I said was particularly brave, but thank you anyway._

Victor couldn’t type fast enough.

_I’m so glad to hear back from you!!_ _ヽ_ _(^_ _◇_ _^*)/ Of course I like your videos! I don’t know if you saw, but I recommended your channel in my last video, where I talked about my fave youtubers. And your latest one was my favorite so far. Maybe you don’t think it was brave, but I could never have said those things with that honesty. I can’t imagine how much courage it must take to share something so personal. So yes, it was brave. You can fight me. (_ _ง_ _•̀_•́)_ _ง_

Katsudon responded while Victor was in his afternoon class, so he didn’t see it until his walk back to his apartment.

_Maybe I will fight you (_ _ง_ _•̀_•́)_ _ง_

_The response I’ve gotten for this video has been unbelievable. Maybe it was your promo, but this video already has more than twice the views of any of my others and I’ve gotten so many kind comments and messages. So thank you for the role you played in that._

_I wouldn’t say that it’s easy to say those things on camera, but I think it’s easier since I don’t show my face. Just because you don’t talk about heavy topics doesn’t mean your videos aren’t brave in their own way. Getting in front of a camera takes a courage that I don’t have and I don’t think you should dismiss that._

Victor waited until he got back to his apartment to type up a response. Leaning against the counter in the kitchen, he typed slowly, choosing each word carefully.

_Hurray for your much-deserved internet fame!_

_I don’t know if I would call it courage for me to get in front of a camera. Does it matter if I can’t talk about anything honest and real?_

He hesitated. Telling this to Katsudon was different from admitting it to himself; it was allowing another person a glimpse of his own doubt and insecurity for the first time. But if anyone deserved to know, it was Katsudon. Somehow, Victor felt like Katsudon would understand better than almost anyone else, regardless that they had only just started talking. He continued:

_My videos look shallow and useless compared to yours. Maybe it’s brave to show my face on camera, but maybe it doesn’t count if I’m not talking about anything important._

Katsudon must have been online because he replied almost immediately.

_I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree if each of us thinks the other is braver for how they make their videos. For what it’s worth, I enjoy watching yours – and your view counts seem to be on my side. People like you and there has to be a reason for that._

Victor frowned. He knew the reason; it was the same reason people followed the lives of celebrities and shared photos on social media. They liked perfection, seeing idealized versions of their mundane, ordinary lives.

_Maybe it doesn’t matter how important the videos are. Maybe honesty is what I’m thinking of. You can say those things in your video and share it with the entire internet, but I hide myself in my videos. I put on this façade so that nobody can see me and judge me._

Katsudon didn’t respond immediately and Victor waited with his heart in his throat. He shouldn’t have said all that. Katsudon was probably disappointed that Victor wasn’t the person he pretended to be in his videos – as anyone would be – and now he would never respond at all. The first person Victor had begun to open up to and he had already scared him away. That should teach him.

The next few hours were spent agonizingly checking his messages. He was beginning to despair again that Katsudon was gone for good when a new message popped up.

_My video has 15k views!!! That’s so many!!! And I’m almost at 4k subscibers??? What is happening. I didn’t realize my video would strike a chord with so many people._

_Honestly, I can’t blame you for wanting to put on a façade with how many people you have watching your channel. I think it’s easy to pretend to be something and let yourself get lost in that fake version of yourself._

Victor exhaled, turning away from the sausages bubbling on the stove. Somehow, Katsudon _understood_. He couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he typed.

_Yes. Exactly._

_And of course your video is striking a chord. It is unique and heartfelt. Even though I’ve never experienced these things, I could feel what you feel while you were talking. I don’t know how to describe it. You draw people in. You make them want to understand._

_It might be easier for us to text. Can I give you my phone number?_

He chewed his lip, finger hovering over the send button on the last message. Would Katsudon be uncomfortable? Victor knew he could come on too strong sometimes. Was it too much, too soon?

Shaking his head, he sent the message. Katsudon could always refuse. Trying to push away his worries, he turned back to the blackened sausages on the pan.

He didn’t get a response until late that night as he was going to bed. Katsudon’s message contained only a phone number. Victor gasped out loud as a grin spread across his face.

Entering the number into his phone, he sent a quick message: _(_ _ﾉ_ _◕_ _ヮ_ _◕_ _)_ _ﾉ_ _*:_ _･ﾟ_

He shut off his phone before he could spend the rest of the night waiting for a reply, but he couldn’t stop smiling long after he turned the light off and went to bed.


	2. we think we’re making our own way

_9:36 AM_

_30k views???_

_WOW! (O.O)_

_I can’t believe this._

_You deserve it_

_So many people are commenting and sharing their own  
experiences. I don’t know what to say._

_You should make a response video!_

_Do people do that?_

_Yes! You can welcome all your new subscribers and  
talk about the responses you’ve gotten._

_I have 7k subscribers. Oh my god._

 

**welcome new subscribers**

Katsudon [SUBSCRIBE]

_Sept 5_

_“Okay, wow. There are five thousand of you to greet. Hello, new subscribers. Welcome to my channel._

_“I know many of you are here because of the video I posted a few days ago about my anxiety. I’ve gotten so many responses and I want you to know that I’ve read them all. Even if I don’t mention it in this video, your comment means a lot to me._

_“Lots of you are saying that I’m being brave by talking about these things. And I really appreciate that, but honestly, reading your comments, I’m only one of so many people who go through these things. Even if you can’t talk about them, you’re brave too if you can relate to my experiences. Many of you have gone through much worse things than I have and come out stronger than I could ever hope to be. I’m just glad that I can express some of the things that you’re feeling and show you that you’re not alone in how you feel._

_“To thereal-me28 on tumblr, thank you for sharing your story. I know that anxiety can be incredibly isolating, but you’re not alone. If anything, the response I’ve gotten for this video proves it. There are so many of us who can understand what you’ve gone through and I’m glad that you’re still here today to tell your story._

_“To otakuforlyf on Youtube – I understand what you’re going through. Being young and not completely understanding why you feel this way is so confusing and scary. I know this sounds cliché and frustrating, but it does get better. As you grow up, you learn so much about yourself and how to do with situations like that, so the fact that you were able to get through it means you’ll be so much stronger in the future. It won’t always be this hard._

_“To cari28ch-me on youtube – you have a poodle too?? That’s amazing! And thank you for your kind comments. It does feel good to say these things and get them off my chest._

_“There are so many more of you that left responses for me that I’m so grateful for. I’m glad I could help even in the smallest way. Thank you to everyone who watched my video and commented or messaged me on tumblr. And, um, thank you to v-nikiforov too. Welcome again to all my new subscribers! I hope I can keep making videos that you like.”_

**_28 comments_ **

**metalseadolphin** – 1 minute ago

thanks again for another amazing video! I’ve been subscribed since the beginning and I’m proud of your new fame! <3

 

 **otakuforlyf** – 2 minutes ago

omggggg I can’t believe you mentioned me in your video. I love youuuuuu!!!

 

 **v-nikiforov** – 3 minutes ago

^♡^ you’re welcome!!

_View all 5 replies_

 

 **bamfteaparty** – 4 minutes ago

I subscribed after love of my life Victor Nikiforov recommended this channel and now he mentioned Victor?? Are they friends now??? somebody tell me what’s going on????????

 

 

_10:19 PM_

_Great new video! Thanks for the shoutout ;) give the_  
_people something to wonder about._

 _I didn’t actually think anyone would notice that?_  
_People are wondering if we’re friends. I didn’t think_  
_that was the point of the video but okay_

_I have very dedicated fans._

_Clearly._

_Did you think it was okay? It’s weird having this_  
_many people watching my channel now . . ._

 _You’re doing great. It was weird for me when I started_  
_actually getting subscribers, but all you have to do_  
_is keeping being yourself. Can’t say that I’ve always_  
_followed that advice . . ._

_I’ll do my best. I really don’t know how you do it._

_Not very well._

_That’s not true. Your videos mean something, Victor._

_Maybe. But not like yours._

_I think we both hide in our own way._

_What do you mean?_

_I hide my face, which makes me feel freer to show a_  
_more personal, vulnerable side to myself. But since_  
_everyone can see your face, you feel like you can’t be_  
_as honest._

 _Maybe it’s always easier to tell the truth when you’re_  
_hiding a part of yourself._

* * *

 

For the next week, Victor and Katsudon texted back and forth every day. Victor rarely put down his phone. Sometimes they talked about the silliest, most mundane things – like what they had eaten for breakfast, what they person in front of to them in a lecture was doing on their laptop, or sending each other pictures of their dogs. Other times, though, they talked about topics that Victor had never allowed himself to bring up with anyone. But with Katsudon, it was easy. He suspected Katsudon was right about hiding a part of himself to make it easier to tell the truth; he never would have said most of these things out loud to another person’s face.

 

_2:39 PM_

_Why don’t you ever show your face in your videos?_

_Ah. I guess we’d get here eventually._

_You don’t have to answer._

_I don’t mind. It’s nothing that you don’t already know,_  
_anyway. I started my channel as a way of expressing_  
_myself, but I wanted to be able to speak truthfully_  
_without worrying about it being attached to my face._  
_It’s hard to be honest when people can see you and_  
_judge you if they want._

 _I know the feeling. Does anyone in real life know_  
_about your videos?_

 _My family knows but I don’t think they watch. The_  
_only person who knows and actually keeps up with_  
_them is my best friend._

_Why did you start your channel?_

_The suggestion of a friend who thought I’d be good_  
_at it. And I was. I used to love it back then, when I_  
_first started._

_Do you not anymore?_

_I do. But it’s not the same. It feels like more of a_  
_duty rather than a hobby. With so many people_  
_watching with such high expectations, I think I’ve_  
_lost some of the joy of it._

_I’m sorry_

_Don’t be. It’s no one’s fault but mine._

* * *

 

Chris had noticed almost immediately that Victor was spending much of his time these days checking his phone. At first, he stuck with sly, teasing comments about Victor’s new lover, which Victor did nothing to dissuade. Eventually, though, he caught on that this was something different.

“Victor!” he said, making a grab for the phone in Victor’s hand over dinner one evening. “Are you even listening to me?”

“Hmm? Of course,” Victor lied, dodging easily.

“Who have you been texting?” Chris asked, narrowing his eyes. “You’ve been acting strange.”

Victor wasn’t sure why he hadn’t told Chris about Katsudon. It felt so personal – something between only the two of them – and if anyone else got involved, the magic might break. Besides, he wasn’t sure how to explain the situation without explaining _everything_ to Chris. “It’s nothing.” He coughed nonchalantly, aware that Chris wasn’t buying his act for a second. “Are you going to the rink after dinner?”

Chris shook his head but allowed the subject change. “Yeah, I am. You coming?”

“Sure.”

_7:16 PM_

_I’m heading to the rink now – talk to you later!_

_9:45 PM_

_You ice skate too, right? I’ve seen it in some of your  
videos. You don’t go to my rink, do you?_

_I used to skate a bit. Not much anymore. Sometimes_  
_I still do at the rink in my hometown, but I’ve never_  
_gone to the one by the university._

_You should sometime! It’s free for students ☆ ( > ω・ )_

* * *

That Saturday Victor was at the rink once again with the rest of his rinkmates. Even Yuri was here today, sniping back and forth with Mila on the other side of the ice while they practiced their spins. With one hand on the barrier and his phone resting next to it, Victor lifted one leg back into a stretch, talking to Chris at the same time.

“And Yuri told Georgi that if he mentions Anya one more time he’s going to—”

His phone _ding_ ed and they both looked at it at the same time. Chris’ hand shot out, faster than Victor could move, and snatched it up.

“Katsudon,” he read. “Who’s Katsudon?”

Victor grabbed the phone back. “Nobody.”

“Is that who you’ve been texting all week? Hang on,” Chris frowned, “I remember that name. Isn’t that the Youtuber that you found a couple weeks ago? You mentioned him in a video.”

“Okay.” Victor lowered his voice, even though nobody was near enough to overhear. “We’ve been talking lately. I told him I liked one of his videos and we started a conversation.”

Chris’ eyebrows waggled. “Do you liiiiiike him?”

“No!” Victor shook his head hard. It wasn’t anything like that with Katsudon; it felt nothing like a crush or a fling or anything else Victor had had with another person. It was deeper than that . . . more important. “I like talking to him.”

“Word of advice – and I say this from experience – don’t catch feelings for someone you’ve never met. Texting and real life are not the same.”

“I’m not going to, Chris,” Victor said lightly, looking down at his phone to read the text from Katsudon.

_I love the trees this time of year when they’re halfway between green and orange!_

He smiled a little at the phone. Of course Katsudon would notice something like that.

“Hey, is that . . .?” Chris started, looking at something across the rink. Two boys were leaning against the barrier there, talking to each other – one with dark skin and a wide smile and the other wearing dark blue glasses. One of them looked familiar . . .

“Oh!” Victor said, recognizing him. “It is! Let’s go say hi!”

They skated toward the pair. As they neared, the two boys looked toward them and their eyes widened simultaneously.

“Hi!” Victor said. “You’re Phichit Chulanont, aren’t you?”

The darker skinned boy grinned and stuck out a hand. “And you’re Victor Nikiforov. Good to finally meet you! Funny that we go to the same school and we’ve never met.”

“I love your videos,” Victor said, shaking his hand.

“Likewise. And you’re Christophe, aren’t you?”

“ _Enchanté,_ ” Chris said. “And who’s your friend?”

The three of them looked at the boy in glasses, who was staring at Victor with huge eyes, apparently unable to speak.

“This is Yuuri,” Phichit prompted. Yuuri seemed to shake himself, tearing his eyes away from Victor.

“Yes. Hi.”

“We’ve got another Yuri here, too,” Victor said. Turning away briefly, he shouted across the rink, “Hey, Yuri! There’s someone here with the same name as you!”

Yuri shouted back something rude.

“Don’t pay any attention to him,” Victor said. “He’s a moody teenager.”

Yuuri laughed weakly and stared down at his feet.

“Did you come here to skate?” Chris asked.

“That’s the idea,” Phichit said. “Neither of us have done it in a long time but we thought we’d give it a try.”

“We’ll give you some pointers if you want,” Chris said, indicating himself and Victor. “Come on.”

Phichit stepped onto the ice, wobbly on his rented skates, and followed Chris toward the center of the rink, while Yuuri lingered near the barrier with his eyes still downcast.

“You can go ahead,” he muttered without looking at Victor, gesturing after Phichit and Chris.

“Aren’t you going to skate?”

Yuuri’s eyes flickered up briefly, then away. “Maybe. Yes. Not yet.”

“You’ll get the hang of it quickly. Hong long since you were last on the ice?”

Hesitating, Yuuri said, “It’s been a while.”

“Only one way to get better.” Victor held out a hand and Yuuri took a breath as if steeling himself before accepting it. His hand was cold. Slowly, Victor skated backwards, forcing Yuuri away from the safety of the barrier. He was better than he gave himself credit for; he wobbled a little and gripped Victor’s hand tightly, but otherwise his skating was steady and smooth.

“You’re not bad,” Victor observed.

“I think my skates are too big.”

“That’s probably not helping anything. Once you get some proper skates, though, you’ll practically be a pro.”

Yuuri snorted out a surprised laugh. “I doubt that.”

Victor let go of his hand and skated backward a few moments, watching Yuuri, trying to place a finger on why his accent sounded familiar. “Where are you from?”

The smile dropped from Yuuri’s face. “Japan.”

Victor’s thoughts immediately flew to Katsudon and a flare of excitement lit up inside him before he could stop it. Was it possible . . . ? But no – he pushed the thought away before it could fully form. He wouldn’t let himself wonder about every Japanese student he met. Their voices sounded similar because they came from the same country, and nothing more.

“You’re from Russia, aren’t you?” Yuuri asked hurriedly.

“What gave it away?” Victor laughed, deepening his own accent.

“I . . . well, I’ve watched some of your videos.” He flushed and wouldn’t meet Victor’s eyes. “I like them.”

“Thank you. I like your friend’s videos too. Are you ever in them?”

“No, but I help with camera work and a lot of the technical stuff.”

At the same time, they glanced across the rink to where Phichit was meeting the rest of Victor’s rinkmates. The group was laughing about something and the sound carried over to them.

“Do you want to go meet everyone else?” Victor asked.

“No, I’m fine,” Yuuri said. “It was Phichit’s idea to come here, anyway – he just dragged me along. Besides,” he smiled, meeting Victor’s eyes, “I don’t mind being over here with you.”

Unexpectedly, something gave way in Victor’s chest and he found himself lost for words. Before he could examine it, Yuuri’s smile dropped and he looked down at his skates, almost frowning.

“I used to watch competitive figure skating growing up, but I’ve never been able to figure out how you do all those jumps.”

“I can teach you if you’d like,” Victor said without thinking.

Yuuri looked up, the smile back. “Really?”

“I mean,” said Victor breathlessly, unable to think clearly with Yuuri smiling at him like that. At first glance he hadn’t looked like someone Victor would look twice at, but now, Victor wasn’t sure how to look away. “I can try to teach you. I’m not exactly a professional myself.”

“But you’ve competed, haven’t you?”

“Only locally. I’ve gone as far as state competitions and my coach says I could go farther if I wanted, but I also want to stay in school.”

“That’s still impressive,” Yuuri said. “Can you show me?”

“What – skate for you?” Victor asked, feigning bemusement even as his pulse tripped into a sprint. “Okay . . .”

Turning away from Yuuri, he skated toward the center of the rink and briefly ran over one of his recent programs in his head. He imagined music beginning and began.

The program wasn’t a difficult one and he let himself show off a little, enjoying the gasps and cheers from Yuuri every time he landed a jump or pulled off a move successfully. He may not be a professional, but he knew how to skate in a way that drew people’s attention. He knew how to make himself look beautiful on the ice.

When he finished with a flourish, Yuuri clapped enthusiastically. Victor skated back toward him, his head cocked and his arms out like, _What did you think?_

“That was amazing,” Yuuri said earnestly. “Your coach was right – you could go far with that.”

“Flatterer,” Victor said, trying not to let it show how pleased he was.

“It’s true. I doubt I could ever be anywhere near that good.”

“Well, there’s only one place to start.”

Yuuri was a fast learner. Though he fell more often than not starting out, he picked up the single toe loop with surprising ease. Victor stayed close to him, offering tips and guidance and finding himself searching for excuses to put his hands on Yuuri’s arms and waist, though if Yuuri noticed – and Victor guessed that he was obvious enough that Yuuri had to notice – he didn’t protest.

“If you keep this up, you’ll surpass me in no time,” Victor joked when Yuuri skated back toward him after successfully landing the toe loop.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Yuuri said, wide-eyed. “Nobody can do what you do.”

Victor shrugged, pleased. “I don’t know about that.”

“I mean it.” Yuuri looked serious. “Your skating . . . your videos. They’re one of a kind.”

Victor opened his mouth to speak but found he couldn’t. His throat had closed up. Yuuri was looking at him with a kind of soft appraisal and Victor couldn’t look away, caught in those beautiful brown eyes.

“Can I get your phone number?” he blurted out. They both blushed simultaneously and Victor cursed himself internally for his lack of delicacy. “I mean, in case you want to come to the rink again.”

“I – Oh!” Yuuri blinked quickly, looking down. “I – I can’t. I don’t . . . use my phone in the States.” He winced, seeming to realize how feeble that sounded.

“Right.” Victor swallowed hard and nodded, his mouth dry. “That’s fine.” It was better, he supposed, that Yuuri was letting him down gently, but that didn’t soften the sting at all. He had thought . . . he had been so sure . . . but obviously he had just been projecting what he wanted to see. Nothing more than that.

Stammering incoherently, face blazing red, Yuuri bumped into the barrier, stumbled, and righted himself. “I should go . . . I have a group project to work on . . . Thanks for teaching me, Victor . . . It was good to meet you.”

“You too,” Victor said quietly as Yuuri skated toward the gate and waved to Phichit, who broke away from the others to join him. They stepped off the rink and wobbled away on their skates. Victor watched until he was out of sight but Yuuri didn’t look back once.

“Chris,” he said solemnly as his friend joined him at the barrier. “I think I’m in love.”

“What, again?” Chris raised his eyebrows in the direction that Phichit and Yuuri had disappeared. “Less than an hour ago you were obsessed with this Katsudon person.”

“I never liked Katsudon like that,” Victor said, waving a hand. “But Yuuri . . .”

“You two seemed to be hitting it off.”

“I thought so too.” Victor sighed heavily. “But he turned me down.”

“There’s something to keep your ego in check.” Chris barely held back a smile. “You might see him again, though – Phichit and I are going to do a collab video sometime and Phichit says Yuuri always helps out with his videos.”

Victor turned away so Chris wouldn’t see the way his face lit up. Maybe Yuuri wasn’t interested in him but he would still see him again. Not perfect, but for now it was enough.

 

* * *

 

_4:53 PM_

_In the interest of honesty between us, I have something_  
_to confess to you._

_Oh?_

_Be prepared, it’s really embarrassing._

_I can’t wait!_

_I started making videos because of you._

_Really??? ≧◡≦_

_I’ve been watching your videos almost since the_  
_beginning and they always managed to cheer me_  
_up on a hard day. When I started university and had_  
_more hard days than not, I decided to give it a try_  
_myself. Obviously I did mine a little differently, but_  
_they helped me in the same way that yours did._

 _When I first saw your message, I couldn’t believe it_  
_was actually you. I thought someone was trying to_  
_play a trick on me._

_Katsudon!!! That’s amazing!!!!_

_You don’t think it’s weird?_

_Of course not! It makes me so happy!_

_I honestly didn’t think my videos did any good for_  
_anyone. I’m so glad they did._

_They still do._

_And I’m glad you don’t think it’s weird, because_  
_that’s not even the most embarrassing part._

_What is?_

_………..I named my dog after you_

_WHAT!!!!_

_Oh my god I can never talk to you again I’m so_  
_embarrassed_

_YOU HAVE A DOG NAMED VICTOR!!!!_

_Technically, Vicchan, which is a Japanese diminutive._

_That’s the poodle that’s sometimes in your videos!!!_

_OMG did you get a poodle because of Makkachin????_

_…….Maybe_

_(* ≧∀≦ *)_

_This is the best thing I’ve ever heard._

_You really don’t think it’s weird?_

_Katsudon, I think it’s adorable._


	3. shooting down arrows of patience

“. . . And that’s all for my room. Now, this is the common area, which includes the tiniest kitchen you’ve ever seen and one armchair squeezed into the corner. Sorry about the mess – Georgi is terrible about cleaning the dishes. None of them are mine, whatever he tries to tell you.”

The door to the apartment opened and Victor turned his camera toward it as Chris stepped inside.

“Hope you’re decent, Victor, because I brought guests.”

Behind him trailed Phichit, who waved at the camera, and Yuuri, who turned white as a ghost and then bright red and looked down at his shoes. Victor wasn’t sure whether it was the sight of him or the camera that had caused his reaction. Meanwhile, his heart and his stomach seemed to have switched places.

“Welcome!” He shut of the camera. “I was filming a tour of the apartment but I can take a break for a while.”

“Hope we’re not bothering you,” Phichit said. “Chris and I are filming a collab video.”

“Georgi and Mila are out, so don’t worry about noise.” Victor’s eyes flickered over to Yuuri at the same moment that Yuuri’s eyes flew away. In the few days since they met, Victor hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him, no matter how much he tried not to, and now the sight of him was causing a strange warmth to spread through him. “Can I help with anything?”

“Yuuri’s doing camera and setup,” Chris said, giving Victor a significant look. “You could help him.”

“Okay.” Victor turned to Yuuri. “If you’ll let me.”

“Yes. Obviously.” Yuuri finally looked at him and, to Victor’s relief, he was smiling.

He had to have known that Victor lived with Chris. Had he hoped Victor would be here? Or was Victor once again reading too much into the warmth of Yuuri’s smile?

They all moved into Chris’ room. While Chris and Phichit planned the video – they had decided to try to teach each other phrases in their native languages – Victor and Yuuri set up the tripod and lights.

“Sorry to interrupt your video,” Yuuri said quietly, fixing the camera to the tripod.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll finish it later. And I can edit you out of it if you want.”

“Oh. Yeah.” Yuuri offered a feeble smile. “Sorry. I guess I’m a little camera shy.”

“I understand. Well, I don’t _actually_ understand, since I’m _not_ camera shy, but I get that you are, and I . . .”

Yuuri was laughing now and Victor trailed off as the sound of it hit him in the same place in his chest as it had the other day. He busied himself with checking the camera screen so Yuuri wouldn’t see his blush.

“Look, Victor . . .” Yuuri dropped his voice so that Chris and Phichit, still absorbed in their own conversation, couldn’t hear. “I want to apologize about the other day . . . if I gave the wrong impression . . .”

Victor swallowed, not looking up. “What impression were you trying to give?”

“I . . .” Yuuri paused and Victor glanced over to see his brow furrowing. Dropping his eyes, Yuuri took a deep breath. “I’d like to be your friend, Victor. And not just because you’re . . . an internet celebrity. I don’t want you to think that. I want to be your friend because I liked spending time with you.”

“Friends.” Victor smiled. “I’d like that.” If that was all Yuuri wanted, he could live with it. Being his friend was better than nothing.

“Ready?” Chris asked.

“Go ahead,” Yuuri said and hit the record button on the camera.

While Chris and Phichit spoke, Victor and Yuuri sat behind the camera, not speaking but exchanging looks every now and then. Victor found himself wondering what Yuuri had been thinking when he turned him down the other day. If he wanted to be friends, why not give Victor his phone number? Clearly, Victor had been coming on too strong that day and Yuuri had been uncomfortable. But why was he changing his mind now? Victor wished he could open up a window into Yuuri’s mind and understand what was going on inside his head.

When they finished filming, Chris said he had to go to the store for dinner groceries, while Phichit and Yuuri had to get back to their dorm. Before they left, Victor leaned onto the kitchen counter, trying to act as casual as possible. “You should come over this weekend.”

Yuuri glanced at Phichit. “Both of us?”

“Yeah. We can get a group together – it’ll be fun.”

“Sounds like a party,” Phichit grinned. “We’ll be there, right, Yuuri?”

Yuuri met Victor’s eyes and smiled. “Yeah, we will.”

“Great!” Victor tried to keep his voice restrained even as his insides were doing cartwheels. “I’ll see you then.”

“Bye.” Yuuri moved toward the door. Victor only looked away when he disappeared into the hallway. Chris, following after them, made kissing noises at Victor who rolled his eyes and closed the door. When he was alone in the apartment, he sighed heavily and dropped his forehead onto the cool plastic countertop, unable to keep the grin off his face, not sure how he could return to filming his apartment tour as if his entire world hadn’t been flipped upside down, once again, by Yuuri’s smile.

 

* * *

 

_5:24 PM_

_Why Katsudon?_

_What?_

_Your username?_

_Oh. It’s my favorite dish back in Japan. It’s a pork cutlet  
bowl with rice and egg._

_Sounds delicious!_

_It is!_

_Then is it weird that I call you Katsudon in my head? (_ _◜_ _௰_ _◝_ _)_

_Lol. What else would you call me?_

_¯\\_(_ _ツ_ _)_/¯_

_What do you call me in your head?_

_Victor, of course._

_Is it weird that I know your name and you don’t know mine?_

_I don’t think it’s weird if you don’t._

_:)_

 

* * *

**NEW APARTMENT TOUR! \\(^** ♡ **^)/**

v-nikiforov [SUBSCRIBE]

_Sept 13_

**_64 Comments_ **

**a-frizbee** – 30 seconds ago

who is this Georgi and why do you drag him in every single video

 

 **universal-love-97** – 1 minute ago

VICTORRRR what’s going on with Katsudon!!! Are you guys friends???

 

 **bamfteaparty** – 2 minutes ago

the Katsudon mystery deepens. Victor your silence only makes us want answers more!!!!

 

 **haiseislife** – 4 minutes ago

I love your room! those pictures of Makkachin are so adorable! (>◡<)

* * *

 

_11:49 AM_

_The viewers WILL NOT stop asking if we’re friends (≧▽≦)_

_This is the price of fame._

_I kind of like keeping them guessing._

_You do know we go to the same university, right?_

_Of course I know._

_I wonder if we’ve ever seen each other . . ._

_Well . . ._

_I’ve seen you._

_WHAT_

_In person???? On campus???????_

_Yes._

_Have I seen you?????????????????_

_I will say nothing more . . ._

_NO YOU’RE TORURING ME_

_You’re taking advantage of my unobservant nature._  
_This is so mean!_

_¯\\_(ツ)_/¯_

_3:29 PM_

_Do you think our viewers would explode if we did_  
_a collab video?_

_Wouldn’t that involve meeting irl?_

_Not necessarily . . ._

_I’ve been meaning to do a Q &A video._

_What if we both made one and answered the exact_  
_same questions and upload at the same time? See_  
_how many people notice? (¬‿¬)_

_I’m in._

 

 **Q &A! ** **｡** **^** **‿** **^** **｡**

v-nikiforov [SUBSCRIBE]

_Sept 16_

 

**q &a #1**

Katsudon [SUBSCRIBE]

_Sept 16_

**_47 comments_ **

**universal-love-97** – 1 minute ago

WHAT WHAT WHAT IS HAPPENING

 

 **christinelucka** – 1 minute ago

THIS IS PROOF!!! THEY KNOW EACH OTHER IRL!!!!!!

 

 **classicalcassiopeia** – 3 minutes ago

MY SHIP IS SAILING??? VITSUDON FOREVER <3<3<3

View all 4 replies

 

 **dothewriteything** – 1 minute ago

Vitsudon alskdfjalskfj I ship it

 

* * *

 

A few hours after uploading the pseudo-collab videos with Katsudon, Victor made his way through the apartment, cleaning up as he went. The guests would be arriving within the next quarter of an hour and the place was still a mess.

“Chris!” Victor shouted. “I’m not touching your socks.”

Chris’ door flew open and he stepped out to grudgingly picked his socks up from the kitchen floor. “So Victor, is this party just an excuse for you to spend more time with Yuuri-the-love-of-your-life?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Victor said lightly.

Chris grinned. “So who else is coming tonight?”

“You, me, Georgi, and Mila,” Victor said, counting off the members of their shared apartment on his fingers. “Georgi invited Anya but I doubt she’s coming. Mila’s bringing Sara. Michel goes where Sara goes, which means Emil’s also coming. Seung-gil, Guang Hong, and Leo are maybes. And Yuuri and Phichit, of course.”

“Will we all fit in here?” Chris eyed their tiny kitchen.

“We can open up our rooms, too. I hope yours is ready for guests.”

“My bedroom is always ready,” Chris said with a wink.

Victor threw a dishtowel at him.

Sara was the first to arrive, followed by her twin brother and his best friend. Seung-gil, Guang Hong, and Leo came next. While Georgi was bemoaning Anya’s absence, Phichit and Yuuri joined the party.

“I brought booze,” Phichit said cheerfully, holding out a bottle of cheap rum to Victor.

“Thanks!” Victor put the bottle on the counter and, as Phichit moved on to say hi to everyone else, he turned to Yuuri and tried to ignore the butterflies springing to life in his stomach. “How are you?”

“I’m good.” Yuuri’s eyes were bright behind his glasses, his cheeks a little flushed from the chill outside, and he was smiling.

“Can I get you a beer?”

Yuuri nodded, so Victor brought him one from the fridge, while Yuuri looked around at the gathering group.

“Who is everyone?” he asked.

“Most of them we know through skating,” Victor said. He pointed each person out, naming them one by one. “They’re all international students, like us, so we end up hanging out a lot.”

“I’m surprised I haven’t met them before. I thought I knew most of the international students.”

“It’s a big school,” Victor said. Unbidden, the thought of Katsudon sprang into his mind. The impulsive, thoughtless part of him almost blurted out the question on the tip of his tongue. There were only so many Japanese students at their university – Yuuri must have met all of them. Maybe he had some clue as to who Katsudon might be . . .

He swallowed the thought at once. _Bad idea._

“Yuuri!” Phichit exclaimed, bounding across the room and grabbing Yuuri’s arm. He dragged him away across the room as Yuuri cast Victor an apologetic look over his shoulder.

As the night got later and the group got louder and drunker, Victor tried to spend as much of his time next to Yuuri. Whenever one of them wasn’t being dragged off into another conversation, they gravitated back toward each other, picking up wherever they had left off and talking about anything and everything. Their conversation never trailed off or grew stilted and forced. In fact, Victor realized that he was so focused on talking with Yuuri that he had completely forgotten to drink. They both had full drinks in their hands that they had barely touched, while everyone around them was growing tipsier. When he pointed this out, Yuuri looked somewhat abashed.

“That’s probably for the best,” he said. “I tend to go a little . . . overboard when I have too much to drink.”

“Oh, really?” Victor smirked. “I’d like to see that sometime.”

Yuuri’s cheeks went a little pink but he didn’t look away. “What about you? What is drunk Victor like?”

Victor scoffed. “Please. I’m Russian. I can hold my alcohol.”

Yuuri’s eyebrow quirked. “That sounds like a challenge.”

“One that I will gladly accept.” He paused, looking around at the party. “But maybe not tonight.”

“Someone has to make sure Phichit gets home in one piece,” Yuuri said.

At that moment, Phichit, whose face was quite flushed, ran over to them to drag them into a drinking game in Chris’ room. Victor was loath to leave his conversation with Yuuri, but he figured he should at least make an effort at being a good host and go along with it.

The game only lasted a few rounds, since everyone was too smashed to play more than that, but afterwards Victor got into a fierce drink-off against Georgi (which he won) and by the time that was over he was feeling that warm, tilting sensation that meant the end of the night was approaching. He found himself next to Yuuri, their backs against the side of Chris’ bed.

“Not fair,” he grumbled, closing his eyes. “You let me get drunk without getting drunk yourself.”

“Can’t blame me for that,” Yuuri said, a grin in his voice.

Letting out a sigh, Victor let himself fall sideways onto Yuuri’s shoulder. “One day,” he promised, “you and I are gonna get drunk together and I’ll see how overboard you go.”

“Okay,” Yuuri said. Then, quietly, “I’m totally gonna outdrink you.”

Victor gasped and lifted his head up. “You are not!”

Yuuri laughed and the bright, golden sound of it filled Victor up more than any drink could. His smile was inches away and Victor could feel the warmth coming off him like sunlight and feel the rush of his heartbeat where their arms pressed together. He had clearly had too much to drink because he couldn’t think of a single thing but _Yuuri_ – his brown eyes shining and his lips parted ever so slightly and his cheeks flushing and how it would feel to touch him properly . . .

Then Yuuri’s eyes darted away and he exhaled, leaning away slightly. “I need to bring Phichit back.”

Victor glanced across the room to where it appeared that Phichit was falling asleep on the kitchen counter. “Right. Yes. Good idea.”

They stood up and Yuuri held out a hand when Victor swayed a little. Trying to force himself into lucidity, Victor followed as Yuuri fetched Phichit and guided him away from the counter and out the apartment door.

“I’ll meet you downstairs,” Yuuri told him once they were in the hallway, and Phichit mumbled something and trudged away. Then Yuuri turned back to Victor.

“Thanks for coming tonight,” Victor said, still trying to get his brain working back at normal capacity.

“Thanks for inviting us.” In the dark of the hallway, Yuuri was illuminated by only a strip of light from the cracked apartment door, which fell diagonally across his face. It reflected off his glasses, turning them opaque so Victor couldn’t read his expression. “I had a good time and I know Phichit did too.”

“Good. I’m glad.” Without thinking, Victor stepped closer and adjusted Yuuri’s glasses so he could see his eyes properly. They were wide and dark and Victor still couldn’t fully understand the way Yuuri was looking at him. His fingers brushed against Yuuri’s skin and he let them linger there a moment too long. Was he imagining things, or did he see a shiver pass through Yuuri at his touch? He felt too hot and too cold at the same time, ready to burst into flames and melt into a puddle. He wished he could think properly. “I’ll see you around, then.”

“I guess so.” In the dark, in the quiet, Yuuri spoke in a murmur, almost a whisper, and there was something so wonderfully familiar about it that Victor’s muddled mind couldn’t quite place. “Goodnight, Victor.”

“Goodnight. Get home safely.”

Yuuri finally dropped his gaze and turned away to follow Phichit down the stairs. As soon as he was gone, Victor let out the breath he had been holding.

He had never felt anything close to this before. He didn’t even know if he had a name for it; all he knew was that it was strong – stronger than anything he had felt for another person. Leaning his back against the wall of the corridor, he closed his eyes, tilted his head back, and whispered, “ _Shit._ ”


	4. you don’t have to hold your head up

_3:29 PM_

_Say something to cheer me up._

_There’s a cute dog near the science building._

_!!!!!!_

_GOING THERE IMMEDIATELY_

_What’s wrong?_

_I don’t know. I’m in a mood._

_Anything I can do?_

_You’ve already helped (^-^*)_

_The dog was really cute._

 

* * *

 

Trying to ignore his feelings for Yuuri was like trying to ignore someone aggressively stabbing his chest with needles, and it felt about the same too. Every time he saw Yuuri – which, suddenly, seemed to be all the time – he simultaneously wanted to get as close to him as possible while wishing he could be anywhere else. Of course he wanted to be next to Yuuri at all times, but being with him and not _being_ with him was a new, excruciating form of torture.

Victor hadn’t known he could feel this strongly for someone before Yuuri. He hadn’t known he could feel this strongly at _all_. It was as if Yuuri had woken something up inside him, something he had forgotten he had, and now his entire being was drawn helplessly toward Yuuri, as surely as a moth toward a flame. Against this, he was defenseless. All he could do was watch and wait and hope.

A part of him wondered what would happen if he made another move. The first time, on the day they met at the ice rink, Yuuri had rebuffed him, but perhaps his feelings had changed since then. What would happen if Victor tried again? Of course, Victor didn’t think he was being particularly subtle about how he felt; Yuuri must know that Victor wanted more than friendship. If Yuuri wanted to move beyond that, surely he would respond in kind. Clearly, he still wanted to be just friends.

Every time Victor passed Yuuri on campus – and now that he noticed him, he wondered how he could ever have _not_ noticed him – he felt something tight and warm and painful squeeze his chest. Every time they happened to be in the library at the same time, when they sat across from each other and occasionally brushed feet and Yuuri sometimes glanced up at him and smiled over his textbooks – every time, Victor had to remind himself to hold back. Yuuri had to know how Victor felt by now, so if he felt the same, he would make a move. As long as friendship was what made Yuuri happy, Victor would accept it.

He thought about venting to Katsudon about it. In addition to texting every day, they had found pleasure in giving teasingly cryptic replies to viewers’ questions about their friendship, which seemed to whip them into an even greater frenzy. But although Victor thought Katsudon knew more of his secrets than just about anyone else, he wasn’t sure he could tell him about this. It seemed wrong, somehow, to involve Katsudon in something that Yuuri wasn’t even aware of. He couldn’t resist expressing some of his frustration, though.

 

_4:51 PM_

_(_ _◞_ _‸_ _◟_ _；_ _)_

_What’s wrong?_

_I saw a man so beautiful I started crying._

_Why so sad, then?_

_My eyes don’t deserve to be blessed with such beauty._

_Oh, please._

_Have you looked in a mirror?_

_Aww, you know how to cheer me up ;)_

_Don’t let it get to your head._

 

* * *

 

It was three weeks since meeting Yuuri and Victor was at the rink skating figure eights and lost in thought. Nobody else was here; they didn’t have a real practice and everybody else was doing other things. Victor had come to clear his head as only skating could do. Late afternoon sunlight streamed through the tall windows, turning the ice to gold.

What he felt for Yuuri wasn’t some passing crush or fleeting passion. It was real, and it was strong. He couldn’t explain it even to himself, but somehow he knew that whatever was between them was supposed to be, and supposed to last.

Yet Yuuri, obviously, didn’t feel the same. Seeing him all the time, knowing that they couldn’t be together, only dug the knife in deeper, but Victor couldn’t bear to tear it out completely. Having Yuuri in his life in this way was better than not at all; he still believed that.

Inexplicably, his thoughts flew back to those early conversations he had with Katsudon, the ones where he admitted that he wasn’t sure he showed his true self to his audience. How he put on a mask, refusing to show anything but a cheerful exterior.

Now, he wondered how much that bled into the rest of his life.

Of course he knew that he put on an act from time to time, as everyone did. He smiled when he wanted to cry, laughed when he wanted to scream. But did he ever really allow himself to be _himself_? The only person who knew about any of these insecurities was someone whose face he had never even seen. Nobody else – _nobody_ – knew who Victor was behind the mask. What did that say about him?

What would Yuuri think of this Victor?

If Yuuri knew who Victor really was, could he possibly feel the same way as Victor?

A noise by the side of the rink pulled him out of his thoughts and he turned toward it. for a moment he was sure that his mind was playing tricks on him because there was Yuuri, framed by afternoon sunlight, stepping onto the ice. He blinked and shook his head and looked again, but Yuuri was still there, now taking off his glasses and setting them on the barrier railing, now skating toward him.

“Yuuri,” he said. “What are you doing here?”

“Skating,” Yuuri said simply, smiling.

Victor looked at him blankly for a few moments as the overwhelming urge to blurt out everything he was feeling rose up inside him. Only barely was he able to stop himself. He didn’t want to overwhelm Yuuri, extinguish that soft, calm look on his face.

“Is there a problem?” Yuuri asked, his smile slipping a little at Victor’s silence.

“No! No, of course not.” Victor raised his eyebrows. “Your skating looks good. Have you been practicing?”

Yuuri flushed. “A little. In the mornings.” He skated back, then spun around without a single wobble. “What do you think?”

“It’s wonderful.” Victor skated toward him and resisted the impulse to reach out to touch him. Instead, he said, “Did you know I’d be here?”

“No, but I hoped. I wanted to show you what I’ve learned.”

Yuuri was looking down but Victor could see the shy smile on his face. His heart clunked in his chest.

“Really? Yes, of course!”

Taking a breath, Yuuri moved toward the center of the rink. He began the toe loop that Victor had taught him a few weeks ago, and this time he did it perfectly. Victor cheered loudly, his claps echoing in the quiet of the rink. He caught a glimpse of Yuuri’s grin before Yuuri moved into a spin and a few more simple, but perfectly executed moved. He ended on another toe loop and posed into a bow.

“Yuuri!” Victor exclaimed. “That was amazing! You did all that in a few weeks?”

Yuuri smiled widely, looking pleased. “I guess it’s like riding a bike – once I got into it, I kept remembering what I learned when I used to skate as a kid.”

“You’re a natural,” Victor marveled.

“I don’t know about that,” Yuuri said with a shrug.

“Really – you’re much better than anyone I know after only a few weeks of practicing.”

“I still have a lot to learn.”

“I can teach you,” Victor said, just as he had on the day they met.

The sound of their blades scraping against the ice and their quiet voices filled the empty rink as they skated and spun around each other. Victor instructed and Yuuri listened. Occasionally, Victor demonstrated and Yuuri copied. His hands may have lingered on Yuuri’s waist or brushed Yuuri’s hands more often than was strictly necessary, but neither of them mentioned it or made any move to pull away.

After landing a Salchow without falling, Yuuri skated toward Victor, beaming. Without thinking, Victor reached out to take his hands, skating backward, and for one step – two – three, they were perfectly in sync. They both laughed breathlessly, neither letting go.

“Have you ever watched pair skating?” Victor asked.

“A bit.” Yuuri raised his eyebrows. “Isn’t that usually a man and a woman?”

“It doesn’t have to be. I know a few moves – want to try?”

Yuuri nodded, so Victor spun away, which threw Yuuri off for a moment without the support of his hands. He righted himself and followed Victor, copying him step for step. Their hands found each other again and held tight.

“I’m going to lift you,” Victor said, putting his hands under Yuuri’s arms and using their momentum to push up—

But Yuuri’s knee jerked out, trying to balance himself and throwing them both off—

And then they were both on the ice, Victor’s elbow sore where he’d landed on it and Yuuri laughing.

“Okay,” Victor said ruefully. “That didn’t work. Try again?”

Yuuri pushed himself up. “Yes.”

They tried again, then again, then again, each time landing ungracefully on the ice in a heap. Victor could feel bruises blossoming on his body but he refused to give up; and judging by the set of his jaw and the spark of determination in his eyes, Yuuri felt the same. Each time, Victor gave pointers to make it easier for Yuuri, while he tried to figure out the best way to lift.

Again and again without success, until finally—

“Ha!” Yuuri let out a triumphant shout that resonated around the rink when he touched back down on the ice with barely a wobble. They circled back around each other, finishing off the imaginary program in Victor’s head – and then they stopped, face to face. Yuuri grinned. His face glistened with sweat and his hair was swept to the side and his eyes shone and Victor’s heart pinched because he had never seen anything so beautiful.

“You did it,” he said.

“ _We_ did it,” Yuuri corrected.

They were chest to chest, inches apart, both of them catching their breaths, and Victor was frozen. He could swear Yuuri was about to lean forward – any second now – he could see it in his eyes . . .

But Yuuri didn’t move. The exhilaration in his eyes faded into something like uncertainty. Victor could hardly breathe.

“What do you want me to be, Yuuri?” he whispered.

“Nothing,” Yuuri said. Victor’s heart plummeted into his stomach. Then, “I just want you to be you.”

The doors to the rink banged open and all at once the rest of the world snapped back into existence. Victor moved back and cleared his throat as Yuuri looked down.

“Old man!” Yuri shouted, appearing at the edge of the rink. “You better be here to show me that new program idea like you promised.”

Victor had forgotten; he closed his eyes and sighed.

“I should go,” Yuuri murmured, already started to move away toward the place where he’d left his glasses.

Victor wanted nothing more than to skate after him and ask what he’d meant and whether Yuuri had been about to kiss him. He’d thought . . . But neither of them had moved and the moment was gone. His head was spinning so fast he couldn’t think.

“I’ll see you later,” he managed to call. Yuuri waved without looking back and Victor was forced to turn toward Yuri’s scowl.

 

* * *

 

When Yuri finally let him leave two hours later, Victor went back to his apartment and collapsed on his bed. Yuuri’s words kept repeating in his head _I just want you to be you_. He closed his eyes and shook his head.

As far as he knew, nobody had ever wanted Victor to simply be himself. They always wanted him to be more – the pretty Russian boy on Youtube who put on a smile and a show to make his viewers happy. That was the only Victor they knew. Was that what Yuuri saw? Could he see Victor behind all of that? Was there something in that he liked – or even could love?

He picked up his phone, about to text Katsudon – that always helped him sort out whatever he was feeling – but he stopped. There was something else he could do, something better. And it would be a surprise to all of them.

His camera and lights were up within minutes. A pause to sit himself in front of the camera and catch his breath, then he pressed record, inhaled slowly, and started to speak.

“I’ve never said any of this out loud before. Even my closest friends don’t know – except one of them.”

Without realizing it, he had imitated Katsudon’s opening for his “my truth” video. He supposed that was what he was doing as well. Letting go of his truth. Allowing the world to see it.

“Um. I haven’t planned this out. I don’t even know if this is going to make sense. I think I just need to say it.

He shook his head and kept going.

“I’ve had this channel for five years. I have hundreds of videos posted, but even though some of them get into very personal details of my life, I can’t help but feel that they are a lie. Because they’re not who I am.

“The person that you usually see in these videos – the “Привет, it’s Victor here” – that’s not the real me. The smile, the happy attitude – they’re an act. I put them on because I feel like they are the only way that I can convince anyone that I’m okay. Like I can convince _myself_ that I’m okay. It’s become a type of self-defense – whenever I feel like it becomes too much, when I can’t imagine carrying on for another minute, I paste on this smile and pretend that everything is fine.

“But it’s not healthy – not for me, and not for you. I can’t keep pretending forever that nothing is wrong. Because, let’s be honest, life isn’t always perfect – sometimes it really sucks. I want to be able to feel that without pushing it away immediately, and I don’t want any of you to think that I don’t also have bad days.

“I think . . . for a long time I thought that faking happiness would make it real. But the truth is, it only made me lonelier. Nobody knew how I felt and they came to expect me to look and feel a certain way and the longer it went on the harder it became until I felt so alone and so untouchable that to feel anything except this manic happiness was unacceptable. I couldn’t be anything but the person everyone expected. Because what if I showed myself, my true self, and—” His voice broke unexpectedly and he looked down, catching his breath and trying to ease the tightness in his throat. “What if people didn’t like what they saw?” His voice was soft now, barely above a whisper. He couldn’t look into the camera’s blinking light.

“Recently, someone has given me the courage to rethink this. Thanks to them, and the courage they’ve shown, I think I can finally let myself be seen. I want to show you who I am. I want _you_ to see me.” He looked directly into the camera, imagining Yuuri watching this. “So here I am.” He took a deep breath. “My name is Victor Nikiforov. I’m done hiding. This is who I am. It’s nice to meet you.”

 

* * *

 

He watched the footage once and uploaded it without editing. Then he left his laptop open as views and comments are started to flood in, and walked out of the apartment.

 

* * *

 

**MY TRUTH**

v-nikiforov [SUBSCRIBE]

_Sept 30_

**_59 Comments_ **

**silencedfalcon** – 30 seconds ago

I can’t believe how brave this is. Victor im so proud of you bb and I can’t wait to see more!

**bluelitsunshine** – 30 seconds ago

this is so weird and unlike anything he’s made before?? Is this supposed to be a joke?? I don’t know how to feel about this……

_View all 2 replies_

 

 **dothewriteything** – 1 minute ago

Vitsudon is real and nobody can convince me otherwise

 

 **dreamyleofangirl** – 1 minute ago

He mentioned someone who gave him courage, and who did he name this video after??? Anyways, Vitsudon is canon you guys #confirmed

 

 **cox-orange-pippin** – 2 minutes ago

I wish you guys would stop talking about a stupid ship that’s never going to happen and focus on what Victor’s actually saying. This is more important “Vitsudon”. And shipping irl people is weird and gross

_View all 5 replies_

**deathshadowrules** – 3 minutes ago

VITSUDONNNNNNNN!???!???!????!???!?!

_View all 8 replies_

 

* * *

 

By the time Victor reached Yuuri’s dorm room, his fingers were numb with nerves. He had no idea what he was going to say. It was one thing to make a video about being brave and another entirely to act on it.

He had texted Katsudon moments before – _I uploaded a new video that I think you’ll like_ – almost as a way to bolster his courage. Even if everyone else hated it, even if all of his viewers abandoned him, he knew that Katsudon would understand. The truth was hard to speak. And here Victor was, trying to speak it again.

He knocked on Yuuri’s door before he could talk himself out of it.

Phichit answered. Taking one look at Victor and whatever expression he had on his face, he called, “Yuuri, it’s for you,” and cleared away down the hallway.

Yuuri appeared in the doorway, looking surprised. “How did you know where I live?” he asked, which wasn’t exactly the welcome Victor had expected.

“Chris told me – he asked Phichit. Yuuri—”

“Are you alright? You look freaked out.”

“Yes, I’m fine, I just want to talk—”

“Do you want to come inside?”

“No, I need to say this—”

“Victor.” Yuuri cut him off, frowning – concerned. “Really. Are you okay?”

“Yes.” Victor took a long, deep breath. “Can I just say what I need to say?”

“Okay.” Yuuri still looked worried, but he leaned against the doorframe and nodded. “Go ahead.”

Now that Victor had the space to speak, he couldn’t think of anything. He ran a hand through his hair and took another breath, willing his heart to keep beating, willing his tongue to speak. This was far more terrifying than baring his heart to thousands of people on the internet. It felt like nothing he had ever done before.

“Yuuri,” he started, slowly. “I want to say something true. You already know this, I’m sure, but I think I need to say it out loud.” He swallowed hard. “I really, really like you. And not just as a friend.”

Yuuri froze in place. All the color drained from his cheeks.

“I don’t know if it’s just me projecting what I want to see because I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about someone,” he went on, speaking in a rush now as if getting it all out at once would make it easier. “I – I can’t describe it. But I want to be honest with you and tell you how I feel so that the truth is all on the table, even if nothing happens with it. I don’t want to be just friends, Yuuri. I want more – I want everything with you. Because I really, really, _really_ like you.”

Yuuri still hadn’t moved; he was beginning to resemble a statue. Victor blinked quickly.

“And now I really want you to say something,” he added.

Yuuri’s mouth opened and he let out a strange, choked noise. Then, in a whisper, “M-me?”

“Yes!” Victor almost laughed. “You, Yuuri. _You_.”

For a few breathless heartbeats, Yuuri just stared. His eyes were huge behind his glasses, his mouth hanging open slightly, and Victor couldn’t figure out whether this was a good thing or bad.

Then the color rushed back into Yuuri’s face and he stumbled a step backward as if shocked. “I . . . I—”

“You don’t have to feel the same way,” Victor said quickly. “I just wanted to tell you—”

“I have to go,” Yuuri breathed, and before the words could sink in, before Victor could react, Yuuri had run down the hallway and disappeared.


	5. i won’t run away this time

Victor exhaled slowly, listening as Yuuri’s footsteps faded away down the hall. For a few seconds, he could only stand there in the hallway. Then he leaned back against the far wall, letting his head tilt back onto the cinder blocks.

He was wrong. Yuuri didn’t want him.

He had opened himself up and been truly honest for the first time in his life, and he had been pushed away.

 _That’s what you get_ , a small, bitter voice whispered inside his head. _That’s what you get for trying_.

A sour taste rose up in his throat and he wanted nothing more than to be at home, alone.

Not wanting Yuuri or Phichit or anyone else to come back down the hallway and see him still standing in front of the open door, he turned in the opposite direction that Yuuri had run and walked away, focusing on each step to block out whatever was rising up inside him.

Yuuri’s words kept replaying up in his mind, his terrified face swimming in his mind’s eye. _I have to go._ Nothing more. A clear rejection, a refusal of Victor’s confession. Then, as if to mock him, his mind brought back his words from only a few hours ago – _I want you to be you_ – which had filled Victor with so much hope. But he had been so wrong.

Automatically, his feet carried him across campus and to his apartment. He wished he could stop thinking, stop feeling. He climbed the stairs and unlocked the apartment door. Chris was in the kitchen and he opened his mouth in a greeting but Victor didn’t even look at him. Striding past him and into his room, he locked the door and fell onto his bed.

Yuuri didn’t want him.

He had thought . . . he had been so sure . . .

Of what? That Yuuri could see him as he really was? That Yuuri could somehow _love_ him? _Him?_ He scoffed out loud but it caught in his chest and came out almost as a sob.

It shouldn’t hurt like this. He shouldn’t care so much . . . Yet somehow Yuuri had gotten underneath his skin, made him feel more than he could remember feeling in a long time. The longing, the heartache – it was worse than anything he had ever felt.

How could he be so arrogant to assume? Just because he opened up his feelings on camera didn’t mean that Yuuri had to feel the same way. For those few moments, he had been certain – absolutely certain, down to his bones – that as long as he told Yuuri what he felt, he would be satisfied. Even if Yuuri didn’t feel the same. But this – this was worse than he had imagined. Far from giving him a sense of closure, he was left with a thousand questions. Mostly, _why?_

Yuuri wasn’t cruel. Victor didn’t think it was in his nature to intentionally hurt him, but what else could he be doing when Victor poured his heart out and he only ran away? Perhaps he had misunderstood . . . But no, Victor thought he had been perfectly clear. The only explanation he could think of was that he had completely misread every signal Yuuri ever sent to him. Apparently, Yuuri had no feelings toward Victor whatsoever. Maybe he had only spent time with him these past weeks because Victor’s enthusiasm made him feel obligated . . . The thought of that made Victor squeeze his eyes shut and fight back the tightness in his throat.

He didn’t want to think about it anymore – he wanted to forget that any of this had happened. For a split second, he wanted to forget about Yuuri entirely – but no, that was impossible. Yuuri was seared onto his heart, irremovable.

His phone pinged, for the twentieth time in the past few minutes. When he opened it up, the screen flooded with notifications – all comments and reactions to his latest video. His stomach twisted. He wished he could take every word back. He had talked about courage, about allowing himself to open up and let himself be seen. But now all he wanted to do was hide.

Along with the alerts from Youtube, he had a few messages from friends, reacting to the video. Victor didn’t even read them. The only message he wanted was one that he would never get – a stinging reminder that Yuuri had never even let Victor have his phone number.

The phone pinged again with a new notification and Victor powered it off entirely and threw it to the foot of his bed.

He wasn’t sure whether he slept that night. Drifting between half-lucid dreams of Yuuri’s wide eyes and lying awake replaying his words over and over, wondering if perhaps he could have phrased something differently and things would have turned out better . . .

When dawn cracked over the horizon, he sat up and reached for his phone again. Turning it on, he briefly scrolled through the comments and messages, but none of it was what he wanted to hear. He tossed it aside and lay back down.

After a few hours, he heard movement from the other rooms of the apartment. Then a knock at the door and Chris’ voice: “Victor? You in there?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to talk?”

Victor closed his eyes. “No.”

A pause. “Let me know if you change your mind.”

The sound of retreating footsteps, then activity in the kitchen. Victor didn’t know how he was going to face his friends.

Close to noon, when the rest of the apartment was quiet, he finally left his room to skulk into the kitchen, retrieve some food, and bring it back into his room. He didn’t want to talk to anyone – not now, not ever. At one point, he forced himself to glance over the comments on his last video. Though many of them were positive, they only succeeded in making him feel worse. _It’s a lie,_ he thought. _I was wrong, I was so wrong. I shouldn’t have said any of that._

He considered texting Phichit, but he didn’t know what to say. He thought about texting Katsudon, he had never responded to his last message about uploading the video. Maybe he, too, had been scared away by Victor’s honesty. Maybe that was no more than he deserved, for thinking that anyone could accept him for himself.

Instead, he stayed locked in his room, unwilling to face the rest of the world. Right now, he doubted he would ever be able to leave. He should’ve kept his mouth shut, shouldn’t have let himself get carried away.

He heard Chris moving around the apartment and half expected him to try knocking on his door again, but there was nothing.

Sometime during the afternoon, he glanced through the notifications on his phone once again and saw an alert that Katsudon had uploaded a video. For the first time that day, he was distracted from his misery. He hesitated a moment before clicking on the video, not sure if it would make him feel better or worse. But he tapped on the notification anyway.

The video had been uploaded only twenty minutes ago and it already had close to a thousand views. It was titled “my truth, part 2.” Victor raised his eyebrows as it loaded.

It started out with a shot of a maple leaf drifting lazily through the air to rest on a pile of orange leaves. Then Katsudon’s voice, soft: _“A few weeks ago I uploaded a video about my experiences with anxiety. In that time, I’ve gotten thousands of views and an overwhelming response, with people sharing their own stories and experiences and telling me that I’ve encouraged them and reminded them that they’re not alone. I’m so happy that I could do that for people. My platform allows me to reach out to so many of you and connect on our shared experiences. Yet, despite all of that, I can’t help but feel that a part of me has been untruthful._

 _“I have been praised for being brave by sharing my story, but there are so many who are braver than I am. There are those who can be open about how they feel, looking straight into a camera without fear.”_ There was a long pause and a strange feeling crept across Victor’s skin. Was Katsudon talking about . . . him?

_“I still hide behind this camera, so it feels wrong to call myself the brave one here. I want to be grateful for the response I’ve gotten for my video, but I feel false receiving your praise when a part of me is still too afraid to show myself. It’s always easier to speak honestly when you hide a part of yourself, whether it’s by not showing your face or retreating behind a smile._

_“Recently, I made a mistake because I was too afraid to speak honestly. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to be strong enough to fix it._

_“There’s somebody . . . somebody who has helped me gain this courage. They claim that I’ve helped them, but they don’t know how they’ve affected me. It’s because of you that I’m doing this. So thank you.”_

Victor’s mouth had gone dry. Now he was certain that Katsudon was talking about him.

The sound of a shaky breath just off camera while the shot focused in on a tree waving outside a window. _“I’ve spent so long afraid that opening myself up would meaning allowing criticism, letting anyone to judge me and tear me down however they want. But if I want to be truly brave, I have to allow that to happen. I can’t control how others see me. All I can do is make sure that you do see me.”_

Another deep breath off camera. Then it spun around. The camera took a few moments to adjust to the change in position and light, but it focused in on a face . . .

Blinking brown eyes.

A messy head of dark hair.

Blue glasses.

(And a truly awful tie over a button-up shirt.)

_“Hi. It’s nice to meet you. My name is Yuuri. I’d like to be brave now.”_

For a few heartbeats, Yuuri stared at the camera. Then the video ended.

Victor couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. His brain seemed to stop working several moments ago. He blinked, tried to inhale.

 _Yuuri_ was Katsudon.

All he could do was let out a whoosh of air and a soft “ _Oh_ ” as a few things clicked into place in his head.

As soon as he could move, he couldn’t do it fast enough. Closing Youtube, he pulled up his messaging app and, with fingers that wouldn’t stop shaking, typed out one word.

_Yuuri._

The response was almost immediate, as if Yuuri had been waiting for him. Which, Victor supposed, he had.

_Victor._

_Where are you?_

_South quad._

_I’m on my way_.

 

Victor had never moved faster in his life. Not bothering to change out of his sweatpants and the t-shirt he had been wearing for a full day now, he pulled on the first shoes he could get his hands on and stumbled out of his apartment with his phone clutched in his hand. The south quad was a five-minute walk away, but Victor cut it down to two. He half-ran past the art building and a freshman dorm until the campus opened up onto the grassy quad. And there, under the old oak tree, was somebody sitting on the bench.

He broke into a run as he crossed the quad. Yuuri was staring at his shoes, his knee bouncing up and down as he twisted his phone in his hands, still wearing that button-up and tie. He didn’t look up until Victor was nearly in front of him, when he jumped to his feet. Panting, Victor halted.

“Hi,” Victor said breathlessly.

“Hi.” Yuuri’s eyes were wide, stuck in the same terrified expression he had yesterday after Victor’s confession.

“Katsudon.”

Yuuri swallowed visibly and attempted a smile. “Yeah.”

“I watched your video,” Victor said, and winced. Of _course_ he did.

“I know.”

Victor ran a hand through his hair, dimly aware that he looked like a mess and probably should’ve taken a moment to make himself look presentable. “So you’re Katsudon. Wow.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri said tentatively as if he was expecting Victor to explode at any moment.

“I feel like an idiot right now, to be honest.”

A look of alarm crossed Yuuri’s face. “What? Why?”

“I should’ve known. You were right in front of me this entire time while I’ve been pouring my heart out to you for weeks and then you’re _you_.”

“It’s not your fault,” Yuuri said quickly. “I was the one who didn’t tell you.” He dropped his head. “I lied to you.”

Victor frowned. “I’m not upset about that.”

“You’re not?”

“No. I’m . . . still trying to process this.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

They were both silent. Yuuri chewed his lip, his eyes flickering from Victor’s to the ground and back again while Victor watched him, trying to connect the boy in front of him with the one he had been texting all this time – the boy with the beautiful videos and the murmuring voice and the cute dog and the perfect thing to say whenever Victor needed it.

How had he not _seen_?

Yuuri blurted out, “I’m just really sorry—”

“Yuuri, you don’t have to apologize—”

“Can I just say this, please?” Yuuri looked almost desperate and Victor’s mouth snapped shut. He nodded and Yuuri took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for what I said yesterday. Or . . . what I didn’t say. I wanted to answer you, but I got scared.”

“I figured that out, yes.”

“It’s just that . . . you’re Victor Nikiforov.” He let out a shaky laugh. “I’ve looked up to you for so long – you’re the one who inspired me to make videos – and somehow I convinced myself that everything that I saw between us was my own wishful thinking. What you said yesterday scared me because I didn’t think I could deserve any of that.”

“Yuuri . . .” Victor began, unsure what to say, even as something like hope began to bloom in his chest. _Wishful thinking . . .?_

“I’m so tired of being weak and running away.” Yuuri squeezed his eyes shut.

“You’ve never been weak,” Victor said. “And your video . . . Yuuri, that was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Yuuri’s eyes were on his shoes again. “I did it because of you.”

“You did?” Victor’s words came out in a whisper.

“I thought . . . if you were going to be brave enough to say the things you said in your video, then there was no way I could deserve you if I was still hiding.”

“You know I would never think that—”

“But _I_ did,” Yuuri said resolutely. “It felt wrong to keep hidden like that, to keep lying to you. I just . . .” A shaky exhale. “I like you a lot.”

Victor couldn’t stop the grin that spread across his face. “You do?”

Yuuri gave a tiny nod. “Yeah.”

“I like you, too. A lot.”

Yuuri lifted his face, looking relieved. “Oh, good.”

“You make me want to be better.” The space between them seemed too much now and Victor needed to cross it. He reached out and brushed his fingers against Yuuri’s wrist, making Yuuri blink rapidly. “You did as Katsudon and you do now.”

“And you do for me.” Yuuri caught Victor’s hand and laced their fingers together, looking at him directly, speaking plainly. “Victor, you make me want to be stronger and braver than I’ve ever felt. Wherever this goes, as long as I’m with you I’ll be happy.”

Victor could hardly breathe. “Yuuri, that is the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.”

Yuuri flushed but didn’t look away. “It’s the truth.”

They both grinned, and then laughed a little for no other reason except that they could, and then Yuuri took a step forward.

“Yuuri,” Victor said, dropping his smile and taking on a serious tone. “Before we go any further, I need to be honest with you too.”

A spark of alarm crossed Yuuri’s face. “What is it?”

“I hate to say this, but . . .” Victor tugged lightly on Yuuri’s tie. “This is the most hideous tie I’ve ever seen.”

Yuuri let out a surprised laugh and, before Victor could get out another word, reach out and kissed him.

Victor could have sword his heart stuttered, which couldn’t be entirely healthy. But if Yuuri was the reason for it he wasn’t going to complain. As Yuuri’s arms went around his neck, Victor curled his fingers under the curve of Yuuri’s jaw. This – _this_ – was what he had been waiting for. They kissed long and slow, taking their time, neither willing to pull away, and Victor loved Yuuri with a certainty that thrummed in his blood and sang through his heart.


	6. just hold your head up high

**GOOD NEWS!! (** **≧▽≦)**

v-nikiforov [SUBSCRIBE]

_Oct 4_

 

_“Привет! Hi everyone! I know I’ve been MIA for the past couple days and you probably have a ton of questions after my last video. Sorry to keep you waiting for so long. My last video was a little dramatic, but I don’t regret posting it. Thank you to everyone who has left me kind and supportive messages. It’s never easy opening yourself up on the internet like that, but with such understanding viewers, I feel like I’ll be just fine._

_“I still stand by everything I said in that video. I don’t want to fake a smile on camera anymore; when I’m sad or upset, I want to be able to be honest about it. But luckily for all of us, I’ve had a very good reason to smile genuinely recently.”_

_“. . . ”_

_“Yuuri, that’s your cue.”_

_“Oh . . . now? I wasn’t sure exactly . . . ”_

_[laugh] “Okay, okay, come on camera.”_

_“Hi everyone.”_

_“Viewers, this is Yuuri. You might recognize him from his channel Katsudon. And the big news is . . . we’re dating!”_

_“Oddly enough, a lot of you seemed to guess that already? Not sure how . . .”_

_“Although we didn’t know each other in real life like everybody guessed. I mean, we did, but I didn’t know…this is really confusing isn’t it?”_

_“Oh my God, this is embarrassing.”_

_[laugh] “Everybody, you can’t see it now because he’s ducked out of frame, but Yuuri is blushing really hard and it’s adorable.”_

_[muffled] “You’re adorable.”_

_“Awww!”_

_[cut]_

_“Okay. Are you ready now?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Well, because I’m sure we’ll get a lot of questions about this, the short version of the story is that we knew each other in real life but I didn’t know that he was Katsudon, hijinks ensued, and it all turned out happy in the end. Is that alright?”_

_“You forget the part where we both basically confessed our feelings for each other to the entire internet.”_

_“I thought that was implied in the hijinks.”_

_[laugh] “Either way, we both were idiots at some point or another, but we’ve spent a lot of time talking over the past couple of days and we’re going to make this work.”_

_“And now I have the cutest boyfriend in the world.”_

_“No, I do.”_

_“. . . ”_

_“Ooookay, Victor, I don’t think the internet needs to see any more than that. Maybe we should end the video.”_

_“Ah, good idea. Thank you all for listening and being so supportive. I hope Yuuri and I could brighten up your week a little! For now, I’ll be signing off. Don’t forget to comment and subscribe and I’ll see you again soon! До скорого!”_

_**108 comments** _

**dothewriteything** – 30 seconds ago

I am dead. I have deceased. This is my ghost typing.

 

 **deathshadowrules** – 30 seconds ago

I TOLD YOU GUYS I TOLD YOU!!! MY SHIP IS REAL!!!!!!!

 

 **fucking-geraniums** – 30 seconds ago

for once the shippers were right. I’m actually so happy for you two and I’m glad everything had worked out!

 

 **serapheisthinking** – 1 minute ago

I saw a gif of them kissing on tumblr and I almost had a heart attack???? I can’t believe this is the real life?????? god is real. this day will go down in history.

 

 **anonymouseling** – 1 minute ago

this is the sappiest thing I’ve ever seen it makes me so happy and I’m going to die alone. I wish you two the very best in your relationship!

 

 **sunflowerfieldsgalore –** 1 minute ago

I AM LITERALLY CRYING HAPPY TEARS RN. VITSUDON IS CANON, I REPEAT, VITSUDON IS CANON!!!!!!!! <3<3<3 ღවꇳවღ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! Hope you liked :) Another big thank you to my artist @spot-of-paint, and of course to all of you for reading <3
> 
> Come find me on tumblr!


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